I just want love.
I don’t want gifts.
I don’t want money.
I don’t want presents.
I don’t want anything material.
I just want you to say you love me.
I just want you to say Happy Birthday.
I just want you to say Merry Christmas.
I just want you to see the pain, struggle, and tears and say you are proud of me.
Don’t worry guys, this is not a sad blog post – it is actually quite the opposite.
For the first time in my life, I got to choose the Christmas I’ve always wanted. I got to pick the people I want in my life that bring an abundance of love, positivity, and joy. I got to pick my family and I am over the moon about it.
Yes, yes, we all know I am extremely dramatic, but I am being 100% transparent here.
I’ve always felt that I gave way more to the people in my life than I received. I felt like I was a nuisance. I felt like something was wrong with me because the people in my life did not reciprocate love and did not choose me, ever.
Since I moved abroad, all of that changed. Germany did not make me happy, I brought myself happiness. I stopped playing the victim and I stopped blaming others for the outcome of my personal relationships. I took full responsibility and decided to make a change. I chose to have meaningful relationships with individuals that love and adore me.
For example, two days ago was Christmas and I was so worried and apprehensive about celebrating in a non-traditional way. I did not want to feel alone. I did not want to see family pictures and know I would never have that.
I did not have anything to worry about.
This year, I chose my family. I chose to have the best Christmas of my life with an individual that made me believe in having a best friend again. Someone whose background mirrors mine to a T and fills my heart with so much love.
We may not have had a traditional Christmas, but fuck a traditional Christmas. Fuck forced interactions with people who do not value your presence.
We went to church, made dinner, bought these amazing pajamas, slept, ate cake, watched movies, and simply enjoyed each other’s company. With that being said, today my heart is full. I am over the moon to have you in my life, Rachel.
And to the best person I know, thank you for always reading my posts. Thank you for having my back whenever I need you despite an ocean between us. Thank you for still being my friend even though I do not like spicy food and love country music. You are the best brother on the face of this planet and I am so grateful for your existence. Lastly, I am grateful for my yummy chicken nugget. I am grateful we get to share our lives together. You make every day together better.
I am SO happy with the people that show me I am worthy of love. I am SO grateful to feel a sense of belonging. So instead of being sad that I do not have love from certain people, I am choosing to be grateful for all the love I now receive from my chosen family.
Thank you for all you are. My life would not be the same without you incredible humans. Also my roommates, my lil Megan, and my rider for life – Subah. You all complete me.